Blog Post: How to Know When to Break Up with Someone

This may feel like a strange topic as Valentine's Day is on the horizon, but the holiday does tend to prompt some relationship introspection.

Breaking up with someone is one of life's most difficult decisions. It involves untangling deep emotions and shared experiences. But there are times when it becomes necessary for the well-being and growth of both individuals involved. In this post, we'll discuss the signs and considerations that can help you determine when it might be time to end a relationship.

Gut Feeling

Sometimes, your intuition knows best. If you consistently feel something is off or not right, pay attention to that inner voice.

To really complicate things, sometimes that "chemistry" or the "butterflies" you keep feeling, are actually your body telling you, you're not safe. The instability is confused for excitement and it tends to lead you down a path of heartbreak. If someone is showing you stability and security, it's not necessarily going to come off as sexy chemistry. But it's wonderful in the long term.

Unresolved Issues

Are there recurring problems or issues in the relationship that never seem to improve? Consistent patterns of conflict can be a red flag. If you argue more than you enjoy each other, that's unresolved issues. If neither of you can move past something that was said previously or prior hurt feelings, there's something to that. Ask yourselves why you can't seem to resolve it. Why can't you forgive and move through this issue?

Emotional Rollercoaster

If you find yourself on an emotional rollercoaster more often than not, with extreme highs and lows, it may be a sign of an unstable relationship. I've said this to clients before - you'll stay on the rollercoaster as long as you want and one day you'll finally be ready to step off.

If you are constantly feelings high highs and low lows in your relationship, that's not sustainable. It may feel fun and exciting when you're high but notice how quickly you're forgetting the lows. The anxious attached individual especially leans into this. Because the idea of finding someone new feels daunting, or just not possible, they'd rather stay in this dynamic in fear of losing this person; but they don't realize that this up and down is actually painful and cruel. You deserve constant love and security. Sure, there will be blips in relationships and there will be arguments; but the ups and the downs won't be so drastic.

Different Life Goals

Life goals, values, and visions for the future should align to some extent. If you and your partner are heading in entirely different directions, it can lead to fundamental incompatibility. The Gottman Institute is an incredible resource for couples. Try working on your love maps with one another to determine if you're aligned in life goals and values.

Communication Breakdown

Healthy relationships thrive on open and honest communication. If you struggle to talk openly or feel misunderstood, it may be a sign that the connection is strained. Ask yourself why you can't be open. Do you struggle with finding your own voice? Do you feel you can't take up the space in the relationship? Is there a power imbalance where your partner dominates how the relationship functions? Getting help to communicate is quite common. Couples therapy tends to be shorter term and can help couples find ways to communicate through both smooth and rocky times.

Lost Sense of Self

In a healthy relationship, you should feel supported and encouraged to be your authentic self. If you feel like you've lost your identity or self-worth, it's worth evaluating why.

Trust Your Happiness

Your happiness and well-being matter. If the relationship consistently leaves you feeling unhappy or unfulfilled, it's crucial to prioritize your own emotional health. It's also important to choose yourself and choose happiness. Life is short. If you're in the relationship just so you don't have to be out there dating again, that's not a good enough reason to stay. You can be happy alone - that is something I help people with all the time and it's something I worked on for years myself. I'd actually say, learning to be happy alone is what brought me to my incredible partner.

Seek Support

Not to sound biased here, but often therapists are more helpful than friends and family. The latter two will have their opinions and biases. Some may make you feel unheard and some may go too far and trash your partner, which will drive you away. Therapists - both for individual help and couples help - can take an objective approach and help you through.

Evaluate Efforts

Reflect on the effort you've both put into resolving issues and improving the relationship. A one-sided effort might indicate an imbalance.

No Regrets

Finally, ask yourself if you can envision a future without regretting the decision to break up. Sometimes, clarity about moving forward can provide the conviction needed to make the tough choice.

Breaking up with someone is never easy, and it should never be taken lightly. It's a decision that often comes after careful reflection, self-exploration, and consideration of the well-being of both parties. Ultimately, choosing to end a relationship is a personal and often painful process. But remember that you deserve a relationship that brings you happiness, growth, and fulfillment. Trust yourself to make the right decision, and when you do, approach it with kindness and empathy, both for your partner and for yourself. It's a step toward a healthier, happier future.